I feel like everything I touch dies. It’s like having the opposite of the Midas touch. And this is not just limited to houseplants. 

My depression has gotten so deep that I’m no longer sure of where to turn. I’m grateful that I had my medication adjusted yesterday, but if anything, all it’s doing is preventing me from crying and zombifying me. Is that supposed to be how all of this works?

It always surprises me to think about how slowly the medical field is moving in terms of treating mental illness. Sure, there are pills we can take, but it’s usually all trial and error. Until, once again, you just become a zombie and everything is seemingly “okay” with the world.

Maybe I should’ve grown up to be a doctor. Instead I’m this deadbeat writer with a knack for poetry and a love of flash fiction. Where has that gotten me so far in life? Not very far at all.

I never update this anymore. Here’s to trying!

I’m having my first cup of coffee for the day and it’s 2 p.m. I consider that to be a success, given what a huge caffeine addict I used to be just a few weeks ago. We’ll see how long this lasts, though. Lord knows I can only get so far without coffee every day.

I like to think I’m in a good place now, better than I was a few months ago, but lately I’ve been doubting myself. I’ve been horribly depressed, my career is virtually stagnant, and I’m falling into the same routines that got me in trouble the last time around. I feel like my DID is getting the best of me, and I’m slowly slipping away. 

I wish I could tether myself to something real. Something aside from my tarot cards. That’s all I have going for myself right now, and that’s saying something.

But I’m well aware there are other things to live for, and that’s what’s keeping me going. I may not know what all of those things are just yet, but I know they exist…right?

Keeping tabs on people via tarot is one of my favorite things to do. Knowing how someone feels about you or a certain situation can be eye-opening, and thus encourage you to take an entirely different approach to the situation. 

Lately I’ve been communicating entirely (I use the word “communicating” loosely here) with someone via tarot. Just sending vibes out into the ether, you know? I’d say it’s going pretty well, and definitely helping my confidence in regards to reading certain people, places and things.

I’ve always wanted to take my tarot to the next level professionally, but I’ve never had the confidence to do so. Maybe now is my chance. 

Today I wrote the first piece of fiction I’ve done in a long time, so that felt pretty good. Sometimes, good things come out of depression. I mean, mainly, it’s art. I also feel the urge to paint, but of course I didn’t prep a canvas so I have nothing to work with for the time being. Maybe I’ll resort to doing something hand-drawn instead. 

Yesterday I found out I won the gold writer award for ArtAscent’s competition. Funny story about that one: the piece I had submitted was originally submitted elsewhere a long while back, only to be rejected and unpublished. Now it’s one of those underdog success stories that people love hearing about, but I’m going to try to play it down. No one likes a bragger, you know?

Regardless, it was just enough fuel to rekindle my fire and get me feeling somewhat inspired again after a little bit of a drought. Sometimes we need a little boost from the universe to get that spark going again. 

Grieve, then move on. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

Update: I finished that 500+ page book that was taking me forever. However, I swear I have some sort of book hangover now; I’m procrastinating on starting my next book in an effort to take a breather. 

Maybe I’ll do that today, though, seeing as it’s pouring rain and the mood is just right. These days don’t come too often during the summer.

This morning I went back and forth between buying a pedometer or a Fitbit Flex 2, seeing as I’ve become really into walking (future mall walker here!) since my surgery. Ultimately I decided on the pedometer, which was cheaper, but money wasn’t actually the final factor – I just didn’t want to be tethered to a device. I used to have a Fitbit Flex, and as much as I loved seeing how I sleep, it was cumbersome to wear the thing day in, day out.

I also tried shopping around for a new peacoat this morning, but no one was having deals, despite the fact that this should technically be the season (summer weather and all). I really, really don’t want to have to wait until fall when I have no choice but to shell out full price. Maybe I need to look harder. It is the World Wide Web at my fingertips, after all.

We were invited to a barbecue for July 4 and I don’t want to go. Mainly because it’s really far from my house and I was looking forward to doing nothing/hanging around the city. This once again brings up the question of whether I should be trying to be more social, but I hate looking at it that way. I swear to god I’m not an introvert, I just like what I like and sometimes, it’s not you.

Signed,
Your Favorite Introvert

Who knew that ditching your appendix could change your entire outlook on life?

Okay, it hasn’t been that drastic, but I am finally feeling good about things in my life and where they’re headed. I’ve been spending the last few weeks being absolutely terrified about where they’re headed (because who knows!?), but now that I’m over the fear, I’m starting to look forward to what life is going to throw my way next. Isn’t that how it’s supposed to be?

Again, rhetorical question.

Other things happening: I’m stuck circa Page 250 of a 500+ page book, and it’s killing me that I haven’t finished it yet. I feel like there is so much more that I want to read this summer season, and a single book is standing in my way. 

And so begins the usual debate: to give up or not to give up. What do you all think? (A not-so-rhetorical question)

It’ll have to be answered later. 

I need to find a new job. Like, really badly. I have interviews lined up left and right, but nothing is panning out, and I’m starting to lose patience (surprise!). I’m starting to wonder when I’ll catch a break.

In general. With a lot of shit.

It feels like lately I can’t catch a break, but I think that’s actually a good thing – that’s usually when your luck starts to turn, right? ….Right? Maybe?

Other things on my mind: I still don’t actually have my appetite back and I’ve been out of the hospital for four days now. I just keep stuffing food in my mouth because I’m supposed to (Is this how fat people feel?). I wonder if I should be concerned, but I’m also too lazy to actually do anything about this.

I’m also realizing I’m an incredibly lonely person. As in, I’m just left alone with my thoughts way too often – at least for someone with mental illness. I think this is how people like that end up going rogue and running away from home or something. 

Now whoa there, I’m not saying I should necessarily be institutionalized or something, but I could probably use a pep talk or two throughout the day to keep my head on straight. Can you pay people to do those sort of things for you?

Probably.

Back to idling and scheming maniacally.